By: Jeff Perrotte
Jeff Perrotte, H89472
Unit 2
Dorm 7 Bed 59L
PO Box 608 - State Prison
Tehachapi, CA 93581

--Rediscovering and Recovering our Priorities—

While doing a life-sentence in prison as the result of an alcohol-related accident, which tragically resulted in an innocent man being killed, I have had many days to re-evaluate my life. In fact, several thousand so far.

During this “recovery process,” which even after ten years of sobriety, I am just scratching the surface of, I have had some very painful moments to reflect on my life and on the actions and behavior which brought me where I am today. Even though the Big Book is full of the same type of unfortunate realities that I must face, it is never the same as when we look at our own dark past from the using and abusing stage, to the sober stage. When the shadows of our lives are placed in the light, we can only be more thankful for the “diagram for living” that a 12-Step Program provides. Surely it helps to handle the shock of who we were, who we are today, and who we want to be.

As we recover, uncover, and discard all the madness, we also rediscover and recover our priorities which are consistent and beneficial to our value of life. It is not a fun-filled process, but a very important process for each of us.

In looking at my past, I clearly had a viable definition of what matters in life. What I didn’t have was a clear plan and hierarchy of priorities to ensure for the fundamental protection of those values. My mind was unable to provide an untouchable area to lock priorities in place. In fact, alcohol and drugs made for inconsistencies in my ability to manage my life, family, health, priorities, anger, and on and on. The major problem with all of this, was that I was the last person to realize this very important fact. Everyone had to suffer for Jeff.

Thankfully today, a clear and sober mind easily provides the framework to lock my priorities in place. They have become a part of what I consider imperative to the success of my life. But most importantly, they are imperative to the happiness and success of my family. The Big Book says that the greatest gift we can give our family is peace of mind. I concur wholeheartedly.

However, once we think we have everything in place and the transformation into our new life is complete, something will inevitably happen and we will be reminded that we are works in progress.

Approximately three years ago, in my seventh year of sobriety, and sixth year of incarceration, I had erroneously thought I had finally got all my priorities straight and knew all I needed to know towards my own individual “value of life.” I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I was talking to a good friend of mine on the phone and I brought up the fact that my youngest daughter, Haley, was turning six in a couple of weeks. I explained to him that I was very sad that she still did not know what it was like to have a Daddy at home. Up to this point, the only Daddy that Haley knew was the one she saw every now and then in a prison visiting room. Clearly, she could never have remembered how I held her constantly, and how she slept on my chest during her first six weeks of life. She could never remember how I memorized every single thing about her and hoped that she would recognize me when she saw me again. You see, I knew I was going to prison for the accident which took Mr. Rizzo’s life. Unfortunately, the fact that I could only see her through glass for the next six months took whatever was established in the first six weeks away.

I talking with my friend, he recognized my despair and wanted to make Haley’s birthday better, and in all reality, my day as well. He asked me what Haley liked because he wanted to go out and buy her some presents for me and send them to her. I sat there on the phone in silence and realized, that once again, I had failed this precious little girl. I couldn’t talk anymore and hung up the phone and went to my bunk and cried. Here I thought I had made all the right changes and adjustments in my life to ensure for my family’s happiness, and I didn’t even know what to tell my friend. I didn’t have a clue what my little girl liked or wanted. A father should be home with his children where something of this nature should not occur. I had once again discovered that an important priority to my value of life was missing. Not only with my youngest daughter, but with all of my children.

Fortunately, this time I was sober which provided me an opportunity to make the necessary changes that probably would not have been addressed in my “take the easy way out way of thinking” while drinking and drugging. Sure it was tough to endure another failure face to face, but in dealing with life on life’s terms, we already know it’s going to be difficult at times.

Seven years after my last drink, I still had not completely become the person that I wanted to be. But, after weeks and weeks of asking questions, sharing laughs, and whispering secrets in my little girl’s ear, I am a whole lot closer to being that person, and I know I will never fail that test again.

When I came to prison, everything that I thought really mattered, no longer did. We find that the little things that we take for granted on a daily basis are the things that mean the most. When the fog lifts and you are standing in a strange land all alone, you will realize how clouded your way of thinking was during your self-medicated haze. You will find out very quickly that your family is the only one with hope in their hearts that the person they knew and loved will return. Of course, you may be lucky and there will be a few good friends, very few, who will be there as well. However, the majority of those so-called friends will fly the coop once they know that the bar is closed. Good riddance to them.

As I continue to work the steps, I now write my goals and priorities in pencil. This is not so I can sell myself short, but so I can strive for more ambitious outcomes. Recovery is truly a life-long process and the moment you engrave in stone your blue-print for living, you will rediscover and recover something that is paramount to your value of life and then you will be looking for a new stone.

Life truly does get better day after day in recovery. Every setback that we endure is really just another opportunity in disguise. It is another chance for us to become better human beings. If life can get better for everyone. It is hard not to envy those of you who are free today and can hold your children and your wife and let them know just how much they mean to you. They are such a gift from God.

I am very thankful to Alcoholics Anonymous and what it has done for my life. I fellowship with recovering alcoholics all over the world who have taken the time to write me and touch my life in a positive way. We write back and forth and share this common bond that so many of us share. It is an amazing program filled with amazing people. I am constantly humbled by the wonder of it all.

In Service,

Jeff Perrotte

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